Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Taking A Stand: A Personal Narrative
Due:
9/11/12
WRTG
3020-093
M.STULTS
— ASST.#1B
Personal
Narrative
At times I feel a great sense of loss and
sadness...not always just loss and sadness; most often twinges of guilt and
shame inevitably accompany their melancholy counterparts. The feelings
seemingly stem from nowhere, and overwhelm and flood all senses and thought. I
am rendered temporarily speechless as the wind is knocked out of my body. I
push back the feelings and try to ignore the immediate knot that has begun to
form in my stomach. I draw in deep breaths and regain my composure, doing my
best to ignore this unwelcome guest that unexpectedly and frequently takes up
residence within my body, and continue on with my day. However unnerving the
experience and feelings are, I now know and recognize that I do not have to
succumb or submit to them. I give myself the space and patience to let go of
these momentary feelings and guilt, in order to move on with my day, my life. I
am stronger now than I ever imagined I could be as a child.
When I was a small girl, I never imagined that my life would take the
unexpected course that it has. As
a child, as most others often do, I would imagine what my life would be like in
the years to come. Visions of high school dances, graduating college in four
years, finding a great career that I am passionate about, traveling the world, cooking,
painting, and adventuring in the outdoors, getting married & having
children, all flashed through my mind. I never was the girl to plan out my
wedding. If I ever did get married I assumed I would share the day with my
parents, family, and friends. Not once did I imagine that one of my parents
would not be there to share these life ‘milestones’ with me. Not once.
One of the hardest things to deal with in life is the loss of a parent. Losing
a parent is like losing a limb. You feel as if a vital part of you is
lost. You might think the only way
to lose a parent is in death. Think again. There are times when the loss of a
parent occurs out of choice, or even out of force. This is not a welcomed
choice, but at times, an altogether necessary and life-saving one. One of the
second hardest things to deal with in life, is the loss of a parent…the loss of
a parent in result of the painful and horrifically uncomfortable expelling of
them from your life in order to take a stand for yourself. In order to be able
to fully breathe and walk down the street of life, happy and unburdened by the
unaddressed and unwelcome memories and experiences of the past. I knew in order
to be happy, I had to fully address and embrace my life experiences, however
painful and uncomfortable they may be.
In order for me to be happy in life, I would not only have to work through
& embrace my past, but also stand up for myself against perhaps the most
ultimate authority figure in a person’s life. A person’s parents are often seen
as two of the ultimate authority figures in a person’s life, even more
specifically one’s father. For me,
this was no different. Like all
other children I sought out love, approval, & stability from my mother and
father. Some parents have a harder time with the art of parenting, or rather,
with being a good one. While my mother could easily be regarded as a saint, my
father was more closely resembling a sinner. It’s not to be said that I don’t
love my father as I love my mother, but my feelings for him end there. Even if
I love my father, it doesn’t mean that I must like or respect him. This took me
a long time to learn and accept. A long time.
Standing up to my father would mean reclaiming my childhood and youth, ending
a cycle of abuse, and would be achieved only by the subsequent expulsion of him
from my life. This was one of the hardest things to do. EVER. There are many
reasons as to why this was and is so hard, aside from the obvious. My father
had many wonderful qualities. He is an extremely hard working and intelligent
person, incredibly enthusiastic, AT TIMES supportive, a very successful
surgeon, a skilled outdoorsman and climber, he can be charming and
dynamic…however there are times when the bad qualities in a person outweigh the
good, and unfortunately, he falls in to this category.
The first round of school in my college career
was greatly affected by my past. In
my youth, I had kept myself so busy with hobbies, sports, extracurricular
activities, school, and friends; that I never had time to think about anything
else really. I had always been my parents happy go lucky child, the one my
mother thought she would never have to worry about. I was social and made friends
easily. I was well rounded and involved in various sports and clubs, and for
the most part, did well in school. I was also probably the child out of my
brother, sister, & I, who was most like my father as far as interests and
hobbies go. As a teenager, I often went hiking, climbing, and canyoneering with
my father, always trying to ignore the parts of him I didn’t like. Children are
very forgiving of their parents. At times too forgiving.
On the surface, I was the closest with my father out of the three of us
children. However, having a relationship with my father came at a great
price. I had chosen to not deal
with or acknowledge what had occurred during my childhood and youth, and
assumed that if I kept myself busy enough, and ignored all that had happened
over the years, I would be ok. Keeping myself so busy in my youth was a way to
dissociate from various issues in my life. When I left for college in the
summer of 2001, I set off with every intention to graduate in four years, and
do well in school. I moved in to
the dorms, and started off the year strong. As my freshman year went by, I began to shutdown in certain
ways. I was no longer as involved with sports, clubs, and whatnot as I had been
in middle and high school, and the system I had unconsciously devised to
protect myself and dissociate from my past, began to slowly crumble and fall.
My past began to creep back in and more and more began to affect my grades,
happiness, and overall well-being. Over the next 3 years, I became more and more unhappy. My
grades suffered, I stopped working out, and I fell in to such a state of depression
that my mom decided to come out to Boulder to see what on earth was going on
with me. After all, I was her happy-go-lucky child that she’d never had to
worry about. Once she was in
Boulder, I completely broke down and she and I had a long talk about my childhood
and youth. She had not been privy to all that had occurred, and while she had
been aware of the mental and emotional abuse from my father that was frequent
during my upbringing, she was not aware of the other forms of abuse I had
undergone as a young child at the hands of my father. There are times in the past, where I had tried to stand up
for myself to my father. I had been unsuccessful up until this point.
Taking in to account the type of man that my father was, manipulative,
dishonest, and narcissistic, my mom and I came to the conclusion that in order
to address my past and move on and be happy, I would have to do several things,
none of which would be easy. We
came to the decision that I would stop school for as long as needed in order to
focus more solely on myself, and my ‘issues’. Focusing on myself entailed not
only finding a therapist to work with, attending support groups, and working
part to full-time, but also meant that I would cut my father from my life in
every way. As much as I loved my
father, I was able to recognize that the good in him was far outweighed by the
bad. Even though I appreciated some parts of him and some aspects of his
personality, I finally realized that he was too toxic to include in my life.
This was one of the hardest realizations to come to in my life. Like I said,
losing a parent is like losing a limb.
At the end of summer in 2004, I cut my father out of my life. It was the
hardest decision I’ve ever made, and most likely always will be. It has been
over eight years now, and during this time I have spoken to him on the phone
once. Now you can see why the feelings of guilt and shame often accompany my
feelings of loss and sadness. It’s often impossible to not feel guilty about
the act of cutting half of who you are from your life. It would have been
easier to not stand up for myself to my father, but at times it’s necessary to
protect yourself over others.
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